While booting up the laptop to come on and write this post, I saw my reflection in the screen. I found myself wondering when the face reflected back at me became so different to my own idea of myself. It’s not just a visual thing either. Although the way I look in the mirror doesn’t correspond to what I see in my mind, that’s not even what I’m trying to put into words. I can’t even explain it sufficiently, I don’t think.
I’ve had a couple of days off this week, prebooked holiday from work which was nice. Sometimes it’s nice just to spend some time at home and relax a bit. I’ve mostly been playing on The Sims 3 University Life and spending time with my man.
We’re getting married next year, which I’m very excited about. I can’t wait to marry him. We’ve kind of been plunged into wedding planning chaos, but to be honest the wedding isn’t the focus – the marriage is. I want the marriage more than the wedding day. That’s always been what I wanted.
This blog entry started out in my mind as being clear, but as I’ve been typing the waters have muddied more and more. Oh well. It’s here and it’s documented. I don’t know what else I can say – the purpose of this blog was always to get my feelings and thoughts out in some kind of pattern on the page. In that sense, I’ve fulfilled that purpose.
Something to cheer you up even if you feel as if the world’s going to end….
For months now, there has been much talk of the end of the world. According to ‘ancient prophecy’, our planet is meant to meet its’ final moments on December 21st, 2012. I write this on December 20th. Am I sitting here quaking in my boots? No. Am I going to rush home this evening and gather all my loved ones in my home, waiting for the end of days? No.
Here are my thoughts. If the world ends (which one day it surely will) we are not going to have any forewarning. We will just be here one day and gone the next. And it doesn’t mean the end of the planet. It just means the end of all humanity. In the grand scheme of things, that isn’t so bad for our planet. Mother Earth knows what is good for her. If it gets to the point where humanity is raping, strangling and suffocating her with our industry, pollution and lifestyles, I truly believe we will cease to be. It’s the natural order of things.
Will this happen tomorrow? Highly unlikely, I believe. I have several reasons for thinking this. Firstly, the Mayans were never predicting an apocalypse with the Long Count. They were predicting a new beginning. The doomsday stuff comes from the early Judeo-Christians, whose preconceived notions regarding an eventual apocalypse coloured their interpretations of Mayan calendar cycles. Therefore, calendar running out plus early Christian thinking equals the 2012 doomsday prophecy.
Secondly, all the astronomical/astrological scaremongering is equally ridiculous. Some think that a massive solar flare will engulf the earth tomorrow, which will reduce us all to flaming, screaming hog roasts. This idea was popularised by the film Knowing, starring Nicolas Cage. Another idea is that all the planets will align with the sun, causing a gravitational pull that will cause the sun to wobble off its axis or explode. If you are still worried about either of these things, go onto YouTube and search for NASA’s ‘The Truth About 2012’. That should set your mind at rest. Oh, and if you’ve heard (as I had) that the magnetic poles of the earth will reverse, throwing technology and everything earthly into chaos, then you can rest easy. Yes, we are overdue for that to happen, but the good news is that the process takes hundreds of thousands of years. If you’d like to substantiate my claim (and I encourage you to) please do check out LiveScience.com. The scientists there have produced a nifty little article on just this subject.
Enjoy the solstice and see you in 2013. Failing that, see you in purgatory.
So I’ve just made a video for my YouTube channel and the first thing I notice on rendering the video is how dark it looks, despite my having all the lights on in the room. We can deny it no longer, British people – winter is almost here in all her dark and frosty glory. While I love this time of year, it plays havoc with my emotions. The lack of light makes me lethargic and unenthusiastic. Having depression anyway is bad enough but winter makes it worse sometimes. I tend to spend the winter months working on myself, I tend to go into my shell a little bit and work on self-improvement and my witchy and Ovate work. It seems to be a natural time to retreat into oneself and become introspective.
So as I write this, I’m lying in the dark listening to music. Instrumental, no lyrics. I’ve done this for years, usually when I want to be alone with my thoughts, or when I want to relax. It makes things pop into my head though, aspects of myself that seem contradictory sometimes. I like my own company but I yearn to be with others.
In other news, I ordered a custom Book of Shadows, which is currently being made for me. I’m excited about it, very much. I’ve been focusing on the Craft a lot lately. Ovate work has taken a backseat for now but I know it’s the natural ebb and flow of the course in motion in my life.
I’d better get back to my meditation.
So on Sep 1st, my fiance’s sister had her baby. She was expecting a boy, so when the little one turned out to be a girl, we were all quite surprised! Of course, they all refer to me as Aunty Kim, mainly due to the fact that I’m basically family. That meant loads because I’m an only child, so my chances of being an aunty were quite low.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, myself and my other half went to see the baby today. She’s so perfect, like a little doll. My sister in law asked if I wanted to hold her, so I accepted and the second she settled into my arms I felt my heart breaking as she’s so gorgeous! My fiance was looking at me holding her, and in that moment is became crystal clear to me that I want to have his children and nobody else’s. 🙂
So eventually, I gave little Sienna-Rose back to her mum and spent my time fascinated by her little hands and feet. My fiance held her then, which only compounded my certainty about my desire to have his child. I’m writing this still feeling the sense of wonder that comes with holding a tiny baby in your arms.
So a few days ago, combined with my current goal of losing weight via Weight Watchers, I decided to start exercising with a friend. We first of all went to a spinning class (let me say, an excellent workout, but my thighs would not work for days afterwards), and today we went to a step class. Both were enjoyable, although I have to admit that I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to exercise as I’m very competitive with myself. Now, on a logical level, I understand that I haven’t exercised for a while and I should take it slowly and start gentle. However, there is a part of my brain that says ‘No, you have to keep up with these people otherwise you will be exactly what they expected when they saw you – a fat, unfit woman.’ This might be difficult to explain, but I don’t identify with what the doctors say about my body. Yes, I realise I am obese. Yes, I realise all the horrible health issues that could befall me. Yes, I realise that my PCOS will reduce in severity if I lose weight. But the problem is that somewhere inside my head I am disconnected from all of that, because my ‘inner me’ doesn’t feel fat! It’s a cliche but I feel like a thin person trapped inside a fat body.
I don’t really know why I feel this way. But I do know that every time I have lost weight (and I lost huge amounts twice in my life, and put it all back on and more besides), I’m almost resigned to the fact that I’m not going to stay there. That’s incredibly depressing and I know that it’s not going to help me. Then again, before, I never really exercised much. I think I have to get myself into the habit of exercising and get addicted to it, so much so that the exercise class/gym/swim/whatever becomes more important to me than the food I put into my mouth. I don’t eat that much, if I’m brutally honest. I’m not like these people you see on TV who shovel thousands and thousands of calories into their mouths each day. I eat a bit too much, and I eat too much of the wrong things but I think mainly it’s down to the fact that I don’t exercise much (well, I didn’t, before now). So here we go, body, are you ready to be severely tested? We’re going swimming on Sunday morning as well, so all in all that’ll make 3 exercise sessions this week. I can top that up with walking and a session or two on the Wii Fit as well. Once I begin to get fitter, and I sort my gym membership payments out, I’ll start adding a weekly gym session to that as well. It can’t hurt, and even if I only do a bit of cardio on the cross trainer or whatnot and some free weights, then hopefully I’ll start to see a difference.