Who do you want me to be?
Every weekday morning, I get up early and jump on a train to work. The journey takes about 57 minutes, and I spend that time doing several things – trying to stay awake, reading the news on my phone, or in the case of today – blogging.
There’s light snow falling outside, and as I write I look around at the familiar faces I see most mornings. I know faces, but no names – such is the anonymity of the morning commute.
I don’t generally blog at this hour, but I’m lying in bed just thinking. I know, that’s dangerous. But sometimes necessary and on rare occasions therapeutic.
I like the darkness. I have no other lights on, just the screen. It enables me to look up and bathe my eyes in darkness. I’ve never been afraid of the dark – on the contrary, a dark quiet bedroom makes me feel safe. I can’t sleep if there’s too much visible light. I also have real problems sleeping during the day.
I’ve been feeling lately that I don’t do enough study or magickal work. I feel like I’ve lost that aspect of the spiritual due to the stresses of the mundane. I need to rectify that.
While booting up the laptop to come on and write this post, I saw my reflection in the screen. I found myself wondering when the face reflected back at me became so different to my own idea of myself. It’s not just a visual thing either. Although the way I look in the mirror doesn’t correspond to what I see in my mind, that’s not even what I’m trying to put into words. I can’t even explain it sufficiently, I don’t think.
I’ve had a couple of days off this week, prebooked holiday from work which was nice. Sometimes it’s nice just to spend some time at home and relax a bit. I’ve mostly been playing on The Sims 3 University Life and spending time with my man.
We’re getting married next year, which I’m very excited about. I can’t wait to marry him. We’ve kind of been plunged into wedding planning chaos, but to be honest the wedding isn’t the focus – the marriage is. I want the marriage more than the wedding day. That’s always been what I wanted.
This blog entry started out in my mind as being clear, but as I’ve been typing the waters have muddied more and more. Oh well. It’s here and it’s documented. I don’t know what else I can say – the purpose of this blog was always to get my feelings and thoughts out in some kind of pattern on the page. In that sense, I’ve fulfilled that purpose.