Feel the burn…

So a few days ago, combined with my current goal of losing weight via Weight Watchers, I decided to start exercising with a friend. We first of all went to a spinning class (let me say, an excellent workout, but my thighs would not work for days afterwards), and today we went to a step class. Both were enjoyable, although I have to admit that I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to exercise as I’m very competitive with myself.  Now, on a logical level, I understand that I haven’t exercised for a while and I should take it slowly and start gentle. However, there is a part of my brain that says ‘No, you have to keep up with these people otherwise you will be exactly what they expected when they saw you – a fat, unfit woman.’  This might be difficult to explain, but I don’t identify with what the doctors say about my body. Yes, I realise I am obese. Yes, I realise all the horrible health issues that could befall me. Yes, I realise that my PCOS will reduce in severity if I lose weight. But the problem is that somewhere inside my head I am disconnected from all of that, because my ‘inner me’ doesn’t feel fat! It’s a cliche but I feel like a thin person trapped inside a fat body.

I don’t really know why I feel this way. But I do know that every time I have lost weight (and I lost huge amounts twice in my life, and put it all back on and more besides), I’m almost resigned to the fact that I’m not going to stay there. That’s incredibly depressing and I know that it’s not going to help me. Then again, before, I never really exercised much. I think I have to get myself into the habit of exercising and get addicted to it, so much so that the exercise class/gym/swim/whatever becomes more important to me than the food I put into my mouth. I don’t eat that much, if I’m brutally honest. I’m not like these people you see on TV who shovel thousands and thousands of calories into their mouths each day. I eat a bit too much, and I eat too much of the wrong things but I think mainly it’s down to the fact that I don’t exercise much (well, I didn’t, before now). So here we go, body, are you ready to be severely tested? We’re going swimming on Sunday morning as well, so all in all that’ll make 3 exercise sessions this week. I can top that up with walking and a session or two on the Wii Fit as well. Once I begin to get fitter, and I sort my gym membership payments out, I’ll start adding a weekly gym session to that as well. It can’t hurt, and even if I only do a bit of cardio on the cross trainer or whatnot and some free weights, then hopefully I’ll start to see a difference.

An interlude…

For once I thought I would blog in rhyme,
An interesting way to spend some time
With my heart so light and my days so full
Once more I feel the poetic pull
Of words that dance and sing in flow
A rhythm of phonemes that all can know
The Bard within me yearns to create
Words and melodies wish to escape
The voice within dares to be heard
In the song of the waves and the cry of the bird

Reminiscing

So I’m out in the car with my fiance, thinking about the fact that in 3 days time we’ll have been engaged for a year. I started thinking about the early days, when we were still just friends and we used to subtly flirt by text message. My dropping hints that I had feelings for him, and then when we arranged to have a day out together and he put his hand on my back as he guided me through a door and I melted. The first time I saw him smile and the butterflies in my stomach that his beautiful smile produced. When I confessed my feelings for him by text message, and he made me wait twenty minutes before replying to the text. The first kiss. I’m literally getting butterflies just writing this. I never thought I would love like this and be loved in return. I am the luckiest woman on the planet.