I feel weird today. Almost as though a part of me has died, and I am in mourning. I’m not sure what has brought this on – perhaps it’s my current study of Gwers 10. I feel almost detached from the person I used to be. I used to be a wise woman in training, with a keen knowledge of herbs, stones and oils, but these days it feels as though I am across a wide sea, looking across with some sadness at all the things I used to do. Part of me wants to get that back, and knows deep down inside that someday I will, but right now I don’t know how it’s possible.
I created an altar to Ceridwen as part of the last Gwers, and every morning and evening I ritually light the candles and speak a prayer to her. I feel as though she is reaching out to me, and although I am a little frightened of her, I know I must take her hand. It’s a strange feeling, as although I feel supported spiritually, in other ways I feel completely alone. Cernunnos is constantly trying to teach me to laugh, and to open up, but in the outer world I feel as though I am still trapped inside a box. I look forward to the inner and outer worlds meeting ‘in the middle’ as it were, and hopefully then I will have the courage and defiance to be completely myself at all times.