It figures that I should become interested in a television show that takes its’ name from a U2 song. I’ve been watching this show on E4 lately and have pretty much gotten caught up in the characters and their stories. So much so that I went out and bought the first season on DVD, which I’ve been watching the last couple of days. This entire post isn’t going to be about the show, but I suppose it’s influenced by it as it’s been making me think quite a bit the last few days. It’s made me wonder why I’ve felt for so long that I should try to be somebody else – a ‘me’ that people want to see. I suppose in a way that watching a TV drama such as this, and learning that every character has their own stories and personality has made me realise that so do I. I might not like myself very much at times, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have something unique to contribute to the world. I struggle with my body, but nobody else on this earth has the same exact one. Some people might think that it’s a bit sad to realise all this just from watching a teen drama on TV, but it doesn’t really matter as it’s happening and I’m realising it, and that’s what is the most important thing.
From this point on I won’t be making any apologies for the way I am, which is a trap I have fallen into all too often in my life so far. This doesn’t mean that I won’t apologise for my actions if I am wrong as I always have and always will. But I’m tired of wanting to be somebody else, I just want to be myself and learn to be comfortable with that.
I couldn’t come up with a more original title for this blog post, so I’m just using the time that I began to write this. I’m currently suffering from the evening work blight of being too awake to sleep when I get home, so I’m trying to unwind by writing this post. Everything seems to stand still at this time of night, the minutes seem longer. Or maybe it’s just my mind ticking over more slowly.
I’ve been reading a lot lately, and spending quiet time alone, just kind of getting to know myself. It struck me that I’ve never really done that. I spend so much time and energy worrying about other people, and making sure they’re healthy and happy and whatnot, but none of that care and concern goes on myself. It never seemed a problem before, but these days I’m starting to feel like I should be mollycoddling myself now and again. 🙂 So with that in mind, I am enjoying getting up late and spending late evenings reading, or writing in my journal, or just lying in bed watching DVDs. I’m enjoying spending time with Matt, without worrying about tomorrow. I’m really enjoying taking time out for my Bardic studies every week. This feels good.
I feel weird today. Almost as though a part of me has died, and I am in mourning. I’m not sure what has brought this on – perhaps it’s my current study of Gwers 10. I feel almost detached from the person I used to be. I used to be a wise woman in training, with a keen knowledge of herbs, stones and oils, but these days it feels as though I am across a wide sea, looking across with some sadness at all the things I used to do. Part of me wants to get that back, and knows deep down inside that someday I will, but right now I don’t know how it’s possible.
I created an altar to Ceridwen as part of the last Gwers, and every morning and evening I ritually light the candles and speak a prayer to her. I feel as though she is reaching out to me, and although I am a little frightened of her, I know I must take her hand. It’s a strange feeling, as although I feel supported spiritually, in other ways I feel completely alone. Cernunnos is constantly trying to teach me to laugh, and to open up, but in the outer world I feel as though I am still trapped inside a box. I look forward to the inner and outer worlds meeting ‘in the middle’ as it were, and hopefully then I will have the courage and defiance to be completely myself at all times.
I’m sitting here, as I write this, watching the rain. It strikes me as different because behind the clouds the sun is shining. There’s a beauty and power in these isolated showers today, and the breeze blowing through the open window refreshes me. I am feeling almost as if the day is cleansing me. My Bardic study is becoming transformative. As I write these words I feel my heart opening to the experience of what life truly is. My seminar is currently live on the OBOD forums, and I feel as though I am supported by an unseen Druidic family.
I met up with a friend last night for coffee and conversation and really enjoyed myself. It was nice to go somewhere different and talk. There was much laughter, nice cake and good coffee – three elements for a great evening out. 🙂