So, in the next six weeks my life is going to completely change. I’m leaving my job at Tesco, a company whom I have worked for since 2002, and as a result it feels pretty crazy. After a month off, I will then be beginning my training as a student teacher. And because I like to be mentally busy, at the same time I will be freeing myself from my frankly crappy eating habits and releasing myself from my food addiction. I’m not going on a diet, in fact truth be told I am never again going on a diet. I won’t be told, or tell myself that I can’t have something, because therein lies my problem. I am going to exercise my power of choice. For too long I’ve had no control over what I eat, because I’ve just been addicted to all the crap that goes into modern ‘foods’ – caffeine, sugar, aspartame, salt and everything else that we don’t need. There’s no nutrients in those things. Some of what I have undertaken already seems a little drastic to people around me. I have greatly reduced my intake of dairy products, cut back on my intake of white refined carbohydrates with a view to ending them forever. I replace them with wholegrains, foods that actually have nutritional value. I replace sugary fizzy drinks with fruit juices, water, herbal tea. But I don’t care what other people think….to them it might seem drastic but to me it seems right. Eating all that stuff has only managed to keep me fat, miserable and unhealthy. So, considering that I want a drastic result, I suppose it makes sense to me that I should make a ‘drastic’ change. Already I am finding that I suffer headaches – classic symptom of caffeine withdrawal.  I persevere with them because I know there is freedom and clarity beyond.

I have just placed my second order to an organic farm in Devon for some lovely fresh fruit and vegetables, to be delivered next week fresh from the fields. I look forward to sampling them and having some beautiful fresh salads, with wholemeal pitta and maybe some fresh chicken. For now, I eat when I am hungry, and I stop when I am full, and I enjoy the simple freedom that comes from simply returning to the way humans are supposed to eat. You never see a chimpanzee screaming for his next sugar fix, or clutching a Mars bar. I am so much about nature…let me try and trust my own body, and fully submit to nature in eating the way nature intended.

So lately I’ve got to thinking about how so many of us want to be someone else. Myself definitely included. This last year in particular, I wanted to be someone pretty, popular, accepted and seen as ‘normal’. But these last few days I’ve been reflecting on this and I realised that the image I was striving for is all bullshit, really. Nobody is normal because we’re all unique, and everything that makes me ‘weird’ is everything that makes me special. Everything I need is already contained inside me so why would I be looking outside of myself for fulfilment and acceptance when it all should come from within? I might not be everyone’s version of pretty, but I have a man who thinks I am beautiful and frequently tells me so. And my lack of musical ability – well, I might not be able to make it so well, but I’m a damn good listener where music is considered. And every song needs a listener.

Of course there are negative sides to my personality, but even those have some kind of benevolent reason (mostly). I worry a lot, but that’s because I care so fiercely about those I love. In the past I haven’t looked after myself so well, because deep down I never thought I was worthy of it. All that is in the process of changing. I’m learning to listen to the music I love without worrying if others will judge me; to state my opinions without caring if others agree. To express my spirituality in a way that feels natural to me, despite the ideologies of others. To sing without caring if anyone hears.

People say that life is for living – and then talk about getting the highest-paid job, becoming a member of a certain social group, going to particular places because everyone else does. That’s not living, that’s conforming. To me, true living is the spontaneous moments when you are, for that moment, the pure light of your essence. Take a drive in the pouring rain with the window down. Throw yourself in the snow and get soaked and cold, but laugh the whole time. Be a child again. That’s living. Life shouldn’t be a routine – life should be the moments outside the routine.

I’m fastening my necklace firmly back around my neck and stepping out with a smile on my face and a clear knowledge of who I am. At last.

So, here we are in 2009. I’ll be the first to admit that I pretty much screwed up 2008. I was pretty much guilty of not being true to myself, and while I know that’s not a crime, it’s certainly not a nice place to be. So, with that, I’m going to write this blog entry almost as musicians write their liner notes in their CDs. I’ll address people individually, and although it may take a similar format, it’s not a list of thank yous. It’s a list of messages. It’s a dangerous trap to fall into, when we don’t say things that should never be left unsaid. I won’t be doing that this year. Not anymore. For those of you who read this, who are true friends, then you’ll know who you are.

Mam & Dad: I know I’ve been a headache at times this year, and I haven’t seemed happy. The truth is that I haven’t been myself really. But now I have a new focus and I promise you – this year will be better and I’ll be happier.

Nan: Your support and love always humbles me. I am truly honoured to be your granddaughter.

Matt: Without getting too personal here (because I know that embarrasses you) I don’t know where I would be without your love and constant support. You’ve held on when I felt like I couldn’t hold on any longer, and for that I am truly grateful. Here’s to the future.

Emma: New friends we might be, but you’ve played a part in my life this year. Through knowing you I’ve found ways to be myself that I never imagined I could find, so I thank you, and I hope our friendship will continue throughout 2009.

Gurm: Where do I start? I love you girl. You provide the laughter and the balance in my life, you’ve always been there for me and I’ll always be there for you.

Kathy: Yes, you get a mention here too my friend. Thank you for the late night webchats and the messages of support. We might be separated by a vast ocean, but our friendship means a lot to me. You help me to see the fun in life.

All those I’ve loved and lost: You might not be here on the physical, but your lights still shine in the astral. I feel your love and your presence every day, I only hope I’ve turned out to be somebody that you’re proud of. Know that I think of you every day, and that my love for you all will never die. Every time I light a candle, I dedicate it to your memories.

To myself: You are good enough and you need to believe that. Forget about aspiring to be someone else – the person you are is unique and special and has a part to play in this world. Everything you do affects someone, you have made a difference to some people’s lives. Just believe, and never be afraid to be who you are.

To those I haven’t mentioned by name: I may have omitted you from this post, but everyone in my life right now is in my heart. You all make a difference to me. Please don’t feel left out – if I wrote to everyone who has touched my heart in some way I’d be writing all year…but your friendship is important to me.

Over the weekend I attended the OBOD Winter Gathering in beautiful Glastonbury with a friend. It was an absolutely amazing (and tiring) weekend and I came home with a new sense of who I am and what I want. It was a great experience and on returning home I was warmly welcomed by my amazing other half. It was fabulous, I felt so loved. The best thing that I’ve gained from it is the knowledge that it is possible for my two worlds to merge. At home I tend to keep my spirituality very much a private thing and don’t really share it that much. It’s almost like I’m two different people at times, there’s the Druid me and the ‘normal’ me. Before this weekend I had thought that there would never be a point when those two would comfortably join, but it happened this weekend and has opened my eyes to some of the restrictions that I had placed on myself.

Secondly, I have just found out this afternoon that I have been accepted onto the PGCE course I applied for at UWIC. I nearly burst into tears when I read the email as I thought I didn’t have much chance – but it turns out I was completely wrong. The next few months will be very much a fact-finding exercise in preparation for my new study programme next September.  Things finally seem to be working out for me and I know now that I can look to the future with a real sense of hope.

So last night Matt and I went to see Extreme at Newport Centre. I am still buzzing, almost 24 hours later. I bought the tickets before I told Matt about the gig, purely because I wanted to surprise him. I knew Extreme were a band that he really wanted to see, so I got them before I mentioned they were touring, on LiveNation presale. I couldn’t not get them, as Matt sees Nuno Bettencourt as one of his ultimate all time guitar heroes. So anyway, last night we went along and it was truthfully one of the best nights of my life. The band were on fine form both musically and vocally, and I have never seen Matt look so genuinely happy. We were about to leave the venue when we noticed the stage door was just around the corner, so I suggested that we have a look and wait around for a while, to see if we could get a glimpse of the band. We got a lot more than we expected.

After about 45 minutes of waiting, Gary Cherone (the lead singer) came out to the metal fence that separated us from him, and started talking to some of the other people there. After five minutes, he squeezed through the fence and came out to stand with everyone else, and was happy to sign anything and pose for pictures. I didn’t get a picture with him (it didn’t occur to me, to be honest) but I did take one of him as he was chatting away to everyone. He was so nice, and made time to speak to everyone, and had so many photographs done it was unbelievable. We didn’t notice at first that Nuno had slipped through the fence shortly afterward and was talking to some other fans. Once we saw that, I was determined to get Matt to meet his guitar idol so I pulled him with me and we went to talk to him. He very graciously signed our tickets, and I eventually managed to ask him if he would pose for a picture with Matt. He accepted with a smile, so I took the photo and it came out fantastic. Both are smiling, and it captured a truly special moment. Nuno was amazingly nice and answered so many questions. Matt shook his hand and thanked him for his time and also for playing in Newport, to which Nuno replied something positive (which I can’t remember exactly). I am still so buzzed from the whole experience, and so touched by Nuno and Gary’s willingness to come out and spend time with the fans. I learned later that Pat Badger, the bassist, had come out too, but I didn’t notice at the time. I’m a bit annoyed about that because I would have asked him to sign my ticket if I’d known. I already had Nuno’s and Gary’s autographs. There are photos up on my Facebook if you got here from that link, and also a short video from the gig on my Video page. I won’t forget that night for a very long time, if ever. I know Matt won’t either as he’s been thanking me constantly ever since, which I don’t mind. It was a great night both musically and also for us, as it felt very special.

So last night I went to a rune-making workshop with a friend, and met some new people in the process. The workshop was really interesting and fun. I especially appreciated the informal tone. Contrary to some people’s belief, I am actually quite shy when in new situations and meeting new people. My way of dealing with it, however, is to break the silence and talk. Usually about nothing of any relevance or interest, but I talk to stave off the nerves. Hopefully I didn’t do too much of that last night. Anyway, despite having no confidence whatsoever in my crafting ability, I came home with a lovely set of runes. They have a deep personal meaning to me because they are made from Cornish slate – Tintagel, I believe. And anyone who reads this page regularly or knows me well will understand the significance of that. My heart beats a little more deeply on Cornish soil. I haven’t consecrated them yet, but I will soon. I’m not sure yet how I’m going to do that exactly – I’ll have to get my ritual-writing head on and come up with the goods. I’m so into the OBOD course at the moment that it’s hard to pull my heart and head out of that and focus on other things, but the physical world requires my attentions and so I must heed the call.

Glastonbury next month. That will re-energise me. And hopefully also Cornwall in January, if we can arrange it for my birthday.

I’m just listening to the newest episode of Druidcast, and the first track on there is a version of Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘The Raven’. What an amazing piece of work. The band also featured in last month’s podcast and I loved the song that was played. I’m excited at the moment as this band’s music is moving me. The last time I felt this excited about a band was in 2002 when I discovered Inkubus Sukkubus, and their music really resonated with what was happening in my life at the time. I really have to seek out their albums. Just noticed that if you join their mailing list, you can download their latest CD for free. What an amazing concept!

So, Samhain approaches. This weekend I am heading off to Cornwall with Matt for a relaxing two-night break, back in the place where our hearts beat more strongly. I can’t wait to be there. I love the place. I know he’s looking forward to it too. Right now I’m checking out the Omnia CD and am obviously distracted as a result – lol!

It figures that I should become interested in a television show that takes its’ name from a U2 song. I’ve been watching this show on E4 lately and have pretty much gotten caught up in the characters and their stories. So much so that I went out and bought the first season on DVD, which I’ve been watching the last couple of days. This entire post isn’t going to be about the show, but I suppose it’s influenced by it as it’s been making me think quite a bit the last few days. It’s made me wonder why I’ve felt for so long that I should try to be somebody else – a ‘me’ that people want to see. I suppose in a way that watching a TV drama such as this, and learning that every character has their own stories and personality has made me realise that so do I. I might not like myself very much at times, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have something unique to contribute to the world. I struggle with my body, but nobody else on this earth has the same exact one. Some people might think that it’s a bit sad to realise all this just from watching a teen drama on TV, but it doesn’t really matter as it’s happening and I’m realising it, and that’s what is the most important thing.

From this point on I won’t be making any apologies for the way I am, which is a trap I have fallen into all too often in my life so far. This doesn’t mean that I won’t apologise for my actions if I am wrong as I always have and always will. But I’m tired of wanting to be somebody else, I just want to be myself and learn to be comfortable with that.

I couldn’t come up with a more original title for this blog post, so I’m just using the time that I began to write this. I’m currently suffering from the evening work blight of being too awake to sleep when I get home, so I’m trying to unwind by writing this post. Everything seems to stand still at this time of night, the minutes seem longer. Or maybe it’s just my mind ticking over more slowly.

I’ve been reading a lot lately, and spending quiet time alone, just kind of getting to know myself. It struck me that I’ve never really done that. I spend so much time and energy worrying about other people, and making sure they’re healthy and happy and whatnot, but none of that care and concern goes on myself. It never seemed a problem before, but these days I’m starting to feel like I should be mollycoddling myself now and again. So with that in mind, I am enjoying getting up late and spending late evenings reading, or writing in my journal, or just lying in bed watching DVDs. I’m enjoying spending time with Matt, without worrying about tomorrow. I’m really enjoying taking time out for my Bardic studies every week. This feels good.

I feel weird today. Almost as though a part of me has died, and I am in mourning. I’m not sure what has brought this on – perhaps it’s my current study of Gwers 10. I feel almost detached from the person I used to be. I used to be a wise woman in training, with a keen knowledge of herbs, stones and oils, but these days it feels as though I am across a wide sea, looking across with some sadness at all the things I used to do. Part of me wants to get that back, and knows deep down inside that someday I will, but right now I don’t know how it’s possible.

I created an altar to Ceridwen as part of the last Gwers, and every morning and evening I ritually light the candles and speak a prayer to her. I feel as though she is reaching out to me, and although I am a little frightened of her, I know I must take her hand. It’s a strange feeling, as although I feel supported spiritually, in other ways I feel completely alone. Cernunnos is constantly trying to teach me to laugh, and to open up, but in the outer world I feel as though I am still trapped inside a box. I look forward to the inner and outer worlds meeting ‘in the middle’ as it were, and hopefully then I will have the courage and defiance to be completely myself at all times.