It’s a somewhat abstract title, I will admit. However, it perfectly sums up how I feel at the moment.
I feel like I’m behind a wall of glass and although I can see and hear life going on as normal around me, I am the other side of the glass and I cannot touch it or engage with it. I’ve struggled with issues of depression for years, but it’s come to what I refer to as a ‘flashpoint’ for the second time in my life. I’m being forced to stop and slow down, to rest and to look at my lifestyle and how I can help myself. I’ve come to the conclusion that I haven’t been taking care of myself as much as I should have been. I’m always first to help other people, and in the past I have willingly put the needs of almost everyone else before my own – but it has resulted in this. Again. Perhaps I need to learn how to be selfish and begin putting this into place.
I need to focus on myself, that much is for sure. I owe it to myself. My health has borne the brunt of my inability to put myself first, and how many times do I need to be (metaphorically) yelled at before I listen? I have to listen now. I have to.
I came out of the broom closet years ago, but a few days ago I made a bigger step. I got my first tattoo of a triple moon with a triquetra. It took ten years, but it felt right.
I wear it proudly on my right wrist, extending down onto my forearm. I feel as though I have been marked with the symbol of the Goddess, and now I am officially a priestess in her devotion.
The tattoo process was painful. Very painful. But as it went on, I knew that I had to stick it out as the symbol and process meant so much to me. It’s true what they say – getting inked is a rite of passage. I feel different somehow.
I’m in Cornwall as I type this, enjoying the sunshine and the proximity to the ocean. I love being here. I come here yearly and find it a real wrench to leave. I feel that the place finds it equally hard to let me go.
Still we have two more days here, so I won’t focus on the leaving just yet. For today we are visiting one of our favourite harbours. I also get to visit one of my favourite metaphysical shops so it should be a good day.
I’ve been feeling very connected to everything today. I’ve noticed that even in work today ideas, wisdom and clarity have been flowing almost effortlessly. I’ve not been stressed even though I’ve been very busy, and even as I type this I’m sitting on the train home, travelling through sunlit suburbs, and I feel as relaxed as if I were at home meditating. My mind is empty of all the thoughts that usually fill my evening commute, and I am basking in this feeling as I travel. Now that I am present in this feeling, I don’t want it to leave me.
May I carry this feeling around with me always. May I always be a walking and breathing representation of the Goddess and her divine power and presence. May my inner light radiant and touch all those whom I meet throughout my days.
Who do you want me to be?
Every weekday morning, I get up early and jump on a train to work. The journey takes about 57 minutes, and I spend that time doing several things – trying to stay awake, reading the news on my phone, or in the case of today – blogging.
There’s light snow falling outside, and as I write I look around at the familiar faces I see most mornings. I know faces, but no names – such is the anonymity of the morning commute.
I don’t generally blog at this hour, but I’m lying in bed just thinking. I know, that’s dangerous. But sometimes necessary and on rare occasions therapeutic.
I like the darkness. I have no other lights on, just the screen. It enables me to look up and bathe my eyes in darkness. I’ve never been afraid of the dark – on the contrary, a dark quiet bedroom makes me feel safe. I can’t sleep if there’s too much visible light. I also have real problems sleeping during the day.
I’ve been feeling lately that I don’t do enough study or magickal work. I feel like I’ve lost that aspect of the spiritual due to the stresses of the mundane. I need to rectify that.