Winter is descending upon us

So I’ve just made a video for my YouTube channel and the first thing I notice on rendering the video is how dark it looks, despite my having all the lights on in the room.  We can deny it no longer, British people – winter is almost here in all her dark and frosty glory. While I love this time of year, it plays havoc with my emotions. The lack of light makes me lethargic and unenthusiastic. Having depression anyway is bad enough but winter makes it worse sometimes. I tend to spend the winter months working on myself, I tend to go into my shell a little bit and work on self-improvement and my witchy and Ovate work. It seems to be a natural time to retreat into oneself and become introspective.

Stillness

So as I write this, I’m lying in the dark listening to music. Instrumental, no lyrics. I’ve done this for years, usually when I want to be alone with my thoughts, or when I want to relax. It makes things pop into my head though, aspects of myself that seem contradictory sometimes. I like my own company but I yearn to be with others.

In other news, I ordered a custom Book of Shadows, which is currently being made for me. I’m excited about it, very much. I’ve been focusing on the Craft a lot lately. Ovate work has taken a backseat for now but I know it’s the natural ebb and flow of the course in motion in my life.

I’d better get back to my meditation.

A little miracle

So on Sep 1st, my fiance’s sister had her baby. She was expecting a boy, so when the little one turned out to be a girl, we were all quite surprised! Of course, they all refer to me as Aunty Kim, mainly due to the fact that I’m basically family. That meant loads because I’m an only child, so my chances of being an aunty were quite low.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, myself and my other half went to see the baby today. She’s so perfect, like a little doll. My sister in law asked if I wanted to hold her, so I accepted and the second she settled into my arms I felt my heart breaking as she’s so gorgeous! My fiance was looking at me holding her, and in that moment is became crystal clear to me that I want to have his children and nobody else’s.

So eventually, I gave little Sienna-Rose back to her mum and spent my time fascinated by her little hands and feet. My fiance held her then, which only compounded my certainty about my desire to have his child. I’m writing this still feeling the sense of wonder that comes with holding a tiny baby in your arms.

Feel the burn…

So a few days ago, combined with my current goal of losing weight via Weight Watchers, I decided to start exercising with a friend. We first of all went to a spinning class (let me say, an excellent workout, but my thighs would not work for days afterwards), and today we went to a step class. Both were enjoyable, although I have to admit that I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to exercise as I’m very competitive with myself.  Now, on a logical level, I understand that I haven’t exercised for a while and I should take it slowly and start gentle. However, there is a part of my brain that says ‘No, you have to keep up with these people otherwise you will be exactly what they expected when they saw you – a fat, unfit woman.’  This might be difficult to explain, but I don’t identify with what the doctors say about my body. Yes, I realise I am obese. Yes, I realise all the horrible health issues that could befall me. Yes, I realise that my PCOS will reduce in severity if I lose weight. But the problem is that somewhere inside my head I am disconnected from all of that, because my ‘inner me’ doesn’t feel fat! It’s a cliche but I feel like a thin person trapped inside a fat body.

I don’t really know why I feel this way. But I do know that every time I have lost weight (and I lost huge amounts twice in my life, and put it all back on and more besides), I’m almost resigned to the fact that I’m not going to stay there. That’s incredibly depressing and I know that it’s not going to help me. Then again, before, I never really exercised much. I think I have to get myself into the habit of exercising and get addicted to it, so much so that the exercise class/gym/swim/whatever becomes more important to me than the food I put into my mouth. I don’t eat that much, if I’m brutally honest. I’m not like these people you see on TV who shovel thousands and thousands of calories into their mouths each day. I eat a bit too much, and I eat too much of the wrong things but I think mainly it’s down to the fact that I don’t exercise much (well, I didn’t, before now). So here we go, body, are you ready to be severely tested? We’re going swimming on Sunday morning as well, so all in all that’ll make 3 exercise sessions this week. I can top that up with walking and a session or two on the Wii Fit as well. Once I begin to get fitter, and I sort my gym membership payments out, I’ll start adding a weekly gym session to that as well. It can’t hurt, and even if I only do a bit of cardio on the cross trainer or whatnot and some free weights, then hopefully I’ll start to see a difference.

An interlude…

For once I thought I would blog in rhyme,
An interesting way to spend some time
With my heart so light and my days so full
Once more I feel the poetic pull
Of words that dance and sing in flow
A rhythm of phonemes that all can know
The Bard within me yearns to create
Words and melodies wish to escape
The voice within dares to be heard
In the song of the waves and the cry of the bird

Reminiscing

So I’m out in the car with my fiance, thinking about the fact that in 3 days time we’ll have been engaged for a year. I started thinking about the early days, when we were still just friends and we used to subtly flirt by text message. My dropping hints that I had feelings for him, and then when we arranged to have a day out together and he put his hand on my back as he guided me through a door and I melted. The first time I saw him smile and the butterflies in my stomach that his beautiful smile produced. When I confessed my feelings for him by text message, and he made me wait twenty minutes before replying to the text. The first kiss. I’m literally getting butterflies just writing this. I never thought I would love like this and be loved in return. I am the luckiest woman on the planet.

Changes are afoot once again…

I’m in one of those transitionary places again. My contract at work has ended, and once again I find myself free to look for other work. I’ve had a few interviews these past two weeks, but was unsuccessful in getting the jobs. No matter. I trust that everything happens for a reason, and that something better is out there for me to discover. Soon my fiance will be joining me in two weeks off, and we’ll have some much-needed relaxation time together.

So considering that I have free time on my hands now, I’ve kind of been delving into my spirituality again. I’m currently between Ovate gwersi, but I’ve been rediscovering the Craft as well. Not in the Wiccan sense, but more in the green/kitchen/hedge witch sense. I’m planning to undertake something next week, both as a bit of fun and also as a way of reconnecting with the witch within. I’m going to do the ‘magickal makeover’ suggested by Fiona Horne in her book ’7 Days to a Magickal New You’. Now I know some people out there will think of Ms. Horne as a huge pile of fluff, but I actually like the idea of having fun with it and approaching it in her way. She was the first Wiccan author that I read, and 9 years later I’ve walked a very twisty path that has led me from Wicca to green witchcraft to Druidry. As a result, it’s kind of like going back to the roots of what introduced me to this Pagan path that I walk, and I think it should be fun.

I’ve ordered some little bits and bobs that I needed, just candles and the like, and I’ll need to go through my Craft supplies to make sure I have a variety of other things. I see it as part of my Ovate work, really. I will move on to the next gwers this evening, and see if the OBOD work is reading my mind (as it usually seems to do, oddly).

Cornwall is calling…

I write this with 3 days to go until I depart my homeland for that of another Celtic country – Cornwall. Myself and my fiance make sure we spend a week or two there every year, but this year it has crept up on me – and I love that. It has tiptoed up behind me while I have been concentrating on my day to day job and also my spiritual work as an Ovate. The week following, I will be attending the OBOD Summer Gathering for the first time, also with my beloved. He is not a Druid, and will likely not be joining me for the festivities, but his presence is welcomed and I have wanted for a while to introduce him to the Isle of Avalon.

But I am going off on a tangent.

Right now, after my day’s work ends, I am returning home each evening and trying to sort out everything I will need so that I don’t have to rush madly the evening before we leave. There’s a lot to do and a lot to consider – I have to pack my Ovate stuff, my Kindle, and other personal stuff such as my journal. Also the more mundane things such as clothes, toiletries, etc.

I’m excited today though as I’ve just purchased a new camera in order to take some beautiful pictures of the natural world and the beautiful surroundings I will be staying in. Here’s a photograph:

I’ve always wanted a camera that was a step up from a digital compact, but not quite as expensive as a DSLR, so this is a perfect compromise. I’ve just been playing with it and trying it out and I’m really liking it! I’m looking forward to capturing the distinctive beauty of Cornwall with its help.  The only setback I’ve had at the moment is because I bought it secondhand, it didn’t come with a USB connection cable, so I’ve had to buy one separately. That’s not an issue though.

I also got my summer dress through the post. It’s  a wrapover dress, and I wanted something that would flatter my (larger) figure. On trying it on, I’m pleased. I might modify the internal button though, as it’s a little small and it doesn’t stay fastened – which is obviously a slight worry as I don’t want to accidentally flash anyone!

Time to go now – I have lots to do and I don’t want to fall behind and end up rushing around later…

Sunday serenity…

I’m writing this from a clifftop, looking out over the water. The sky is pure blue, the water cobalt. The sun is kissing everything. All I can think about sitting here is the onset of spring. I love this time of year. It makes me want to swim, to sing, to dance, to love. Almost like something is blossoming inside me and is ready to burst out into a blaze of colour.
I have been here many times before, sitting in this same spot and caressed by the same sun. However, it feels different today. Today, I am an Ovate. The green robe feels snug around my shoulders and I feel as though I could retire to the woods, watching the shafts of sunlight penetrate the trees, sending that dappled strobe effect across my skin. I feel light. I feel connected. I feel divine.

On the threshold…

I received my first pack of Ovate gwersi yesterday. It’s very strange and yet thrilling to look back over the Bardic work and yet stand on the threshold of a new experience. Beginning Druid training was perhaps the best thing I have ever done. I am very much enjoying the transition phase that I currently find myself in. This spiritual work is perhaps the most fulfilling thing I have ever done, and it is all the more precious to me because it has come from within. It is a radiance of light that glistens from somewhere deep inside my soul. As I prepare for a second, deeper initiation, I find myself stopping to take in the view.

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